Here I am, send me

A couple of sundays ago, our 2017 Native America team was comissioned during PEACE Practical.

Although it’s nothing new for many returning members like me, it’s still a special moment that signifies the completion of our training. Sort of a graduation party where we transitioned from classroom out to the mission field. 

P E A C E Native America Commissioning 2017
Can you find me in this picture?

That day we also completed the last of our 8-session training (4 for returning members) and had a team dinner. It was a fun day, having an opportunity to get to know our team members better and share a meal together. The first of many, as we’ll share roughly 21 meals together as a team while on mission.

Of course, we still have several weeks before our departure. Everything is set, good to go — except for a few minor logistical details. As such, it's a perfect opportunity to share my stories from last year’s trip to Shiprock, NM while getting ready for Tuba City 2017.

And here’s the story . . .

The Beginning

One fine Saturday afternoon early in 2016, I was scheduled to serve on Worship Production and arrived at church to serve just a little bit ahead of our call time. Seems like “just another day at the office.”

As I walked into the lobby, I was greeted by a long-time friend who I’ve known since we started our church in a middle School’s Cafetorium (Cafeteria–Auditorium combo). We said our hellos, chit-chatting and share some good laugh. Then one thing lead to another, we ended up talking about missions. Little did I know, that small talk was the stepping stone I need that leads to my involvement in mission fields. One small step that leads to a giant leap in my journey.

The Struggle

Despite my numerous inquries, months passed by with no follow up, no information or anything. 

I was growing weary. 

At one point I pretty much gave up. “I guess, it doesn't mean to be,” so I thought.

Until one day in April I received an email about a meeting regarding a PEACE Trip to the Navajo Nation. 
That news re-ignite my passion. 

The flame that was snuffed-out just got re-kindled.

I was excited. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. 

I came to the meeting only to find out that nobody has any idea of what they’re doing. 

Nobody has any answer to any questions. 

Months and months of nothing-ness, and out of sudden 8 sessions of two-and-a-half hour training cramped into once-a-week training every-single-weekend for a month. Starting in exactly 7x24 hours.

Not to mention numerous forms to be filled, financial support to be raised, and all other logistical needs to be met in less than 10 weeks time.

“Great! Just Great! Who in the right mind would make a schedule like this?” was my response.

It was a total mess. 

My face said it all. I didn't have to say anything, and you won't need to turn on the caption to read all I had in mind on my face. I guess that attracted the organizers' (of this meeting) attention.

They approached me. 
Unfortunately, instead of guidance I felt pressured and all I received was condemnation on my personality. Maybe I asked too many questions, maybe it’s wrong for me to question certain stuffs. Maybe it’s wrong to be not okay.

I ended up questioning myself, whether I'm suitable for mission works. Cue in “not good enough” thoughts and the whole package that comes with it. I was confused, but instead of guidance I got hurt, discouraged, depressed, felt hopeless and even more confused. Definitely no acceptance, nor love, nor encouragement and found no help.

I was devastated, and went home utterly disappointed.

(If you were among the 30+ people attended that meeting, I'm sure you're smiling as you read this. What a meeting we had that day, huh?)


- - -

Nevertheless, I signed up. 

With a heavy heart and tons of doubt.

Went to meetings and trainings without making a commitment. 

My intention was “count me in as a maybe, and I’ll attend the meetings to get myself ready in case that maybe turn into a yes.” Yep, I’m one of those person who likes to take my time to think and doesn’t take my commitment lightly. I won’t make a commitment until I’m sure I want to be committed to it. But when the decision is made, it’s a whole different story. Very little can be done to change my mind.

The struggle was real. I was facing battle inside me every single day for a few weeks. One side of me wanted to keep going, the other side felt like this is a messed-up situation I don’t want to be a part of.

The Outcome

Until one day, I woke up to a revelation.

A donkey walked into my room, nudge me with his muzzle and start talking as I opened my eyes . . . 

(Just kidding, I’m not Balaam . . . nor Shrek)

That sunday, the only thing on my schedule was the PEACE Native America Meeting.

This was supposedly session 5, where all returning members and everybody on the teams will meet together for the first time. 

As soon as I opened my eyes, that was the first thing came to mind. I was greatly struggling with my contradicting thoughts. I felt that I should make my decision that day whether or not to commit. To keep going or to bail. That morning, as I prayed asking for guidance, I was reminded of this phrase “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

Many of you would familiar with that phrase from Isaiah 6:8 already, and I'm sure you know the exact response.

As I prayed that morning, I know exactly where this is going.

But my fear and concerned wasn’t allayed yet.

So I prayed again. 

Essentially saying “Dear God, message received. Please help me with these struggles.”

Sure enough, all my questions were answered later that day, and later that day I decided to made my commitment. “Here I am, send me.”

Curious on what happened on that meeting? I'll tell more details on Day 0 entry. Keep reading.

Few weeks later, our team was commissioned.

I got commissioned twice. Once at our home campus, and a week later with all of 2016 Native America Teams.

Surprisingly (or not), the commissioning officals on both commissioning read that Isaiah 6:8 verse as they commissioned us to the missions field. Not sure if that’s a SOP for team commissioning, but for me personally it’s such a comforting sign.

- - - 

As you read this journal entry, if you feel a nudge deep in your heart asking “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

I surely hope you'll answer with “Here am I, send me!”

(with a shout of joy!)

So, what's next? What's my first step? You asked.

Keep reading, I'll do my best to help you take that next steps.

Follow my journey in this blog and stay tuned for the next entry.